Warriors: The Omen That Says Bad Stuff Will Happen
by Tearsofwolves
Summary: The harrowing story of everyone's favorite character, Bumblekit, continues. After Hollyleaf's unfortunate death, she begins to haunt her brothers from the Dark Forest. What's worse is that she has made her own recipe for opium. Are the Clans doomed?
1. The Curse of the Opium Addict

Warriors: The Omen That Says Really Bad Shit Will Happen

Part One: The Curse of the Opium Addict

Bumblepaw's day had finally come. After countless months of training, he was ready to receive his warrior name. Bumblepaw had been waiting for this day his entire life, and now it was almost upon him. Bumblepaw stood at the foot of the Great Rock, anxiously waiting for Firestar to call his name. The noble leader of ThunderClan looked down upon Bumblepaw, Blossompaw and Briarpaw and gave a slight nod.

"I, Firestar, leader of ThunderClan, call upon my warrior ancestors to look down on these three young apprentices," Firestar began. "They have trained for many moons to understand your noble code and I commend them to you as warriors in their turn." Firestar turned his gaze to the three apprentices.

"Briarpaw, Blossompaw, Bumblepaw, do you promise to uphold the warrior code and protect and defend this Clan, even at the cost of your lives?" The three apprentices nodded simultaneously, unable to wait any longer.

"Then by the power of StarClan I give you your warrior names. Briarpaw, from this day on you will be known as Briarlight. ThunderClan honors your bravery and quick thinking." He turned to Blossompaw next and the small she-cat puffed out her chest with pride. "Blossompaw, from this day forward you shall be known as Blossomfall. ThunderClan honors your strength and gentleness." As Firestar turned his gaze to Bumblepaw, the tiny apprentice felt like his head would burst from anticipation.

"Bumblepaw, from this day forward you shall be known as Bumbleass. ThunderClan doesn't honor you."

"Wha-what?" Bumbleass squeaked stupidly.

"Now go sit vigil and get off of my rock," the ThunderClan leader grumbled. "I'm too old and important to do these stupid ceremonies.

"But Firestar!" Bumbleass cried, distraught. "Bumbleass isn't a warrior name!"

"It is now," Firestar declared. "I'm sure it would sound very nice to a deaf cat who was mostly dead."

"Oh…well, I guess it's all right if you put it that way…"

"Shut the hell up, Bumbleass, you're not supposed to talk! Now go stay up all night so you can do backbreaking labor in the morning!"

"Yes sir!" Bumbleass mewed, his tiny brain already forgetting that he wasn't supposed to talk. He bounced away to the edge of the camp where Blossomfall and Briarlight were sitting and plopped down next to them. Firestar washed his very pretty face before retiring for the night.

Meanwhile, Dovepaw was being totally _awesome_.

"Yeah, and then I said 'how _dare_ those beavers try to, like, make their house?'" she bragged to Ivypaw. "And then, I totally blew them all up with my awesome mind powers! I bet you wish you had awesome mind powers too, right? Yeah, it's too bad that you don't. If you did, we could be, like, awesome mind power BFFs! I guess you just suck like that, huh, Ivypaw?"Ivypaw glared at her dumbass sister and rolled over. The other apprentices had gone to sleep long ago, having been bored to sleep by Dovepaw's stories. Dovepaw prodded her sister in the back.

"Huh, Ivypaw? You just suck like that right? Iiiiiiivypaaaaw, Iiiiiiiiivypaaaaw! Earth to Ivypaaaaaaw!"

"Yeah, Dovepaw, I just suck like that," Ivypaw snapped. "Now will you please shut the hell up? I'm trying to sleep here."

"Haha, you admitted that you suck, Ivypaw!" Dovepaw laughed before falling instantly asleep.

Meanwhile in Jayfeather's dream…

"Jaaaaayfeatheeeeeer!" a mysterious voice called. The voice seemed to be coming from all around him, but that wasn't what bothered him the most about this dream. What bothered him the most was that the voice seemed to belong to a certain opium addict that he had never wanted to see again.

"I'm in your dream, Jaaaaaayfeathaaaaar!" Hollyleaf said in an attempt at a spooky voice.

"Piss off, Hollyleaf, I'm trying to sleep!" Jayfeather snapped at his sister as she suddenly appeared in front of him."

"Hey Jayfeather, you know what really sucks about being in the Dark Forest?" Hollyleaf asked.

"What, wandering around alone in a starless forest while demons slowly devour your soul?"

"What? No, not even close."

"What then?"

"There's no frigging opium in this frigging forest! How's a gal supposed to get her fix? I mean, how inconsiderate can these evil demons get?"

"Holy crap of StarClan," Jayfeather sighed. "Will you just shut up and let me sleep already, Hollyleaf?"

"Fine," she growled ominously. "But you'll rue the day when you ever spoke kind of rudely to _me_, Jayfeathar!" With that, Hollyleaf slowly faded away, leaving Jayfeather all alone to finally sleep in peace. Just as the dark forest around him was starting to fade, Hollyleaf appeared in front of Jayfeather again.

"Oh, one more thing, Jayfeathar. Tigerstar told me to tell you that he's gonna murder Firestar while he's sleeping. Isn't that totally awesome?"

"No, Hollyleaf! That _isn't_ totally awesome! Firestar only has two days left until he retires!"

"Oh shit! Really? Well…sucks for him! See you later, Jayfeathar!" Hollyleaf disappeared again, leaving Jayfeather alone in the Dark Forest once again.

The next morning, Jayfeather woke up early to tell Firestar of Hollyleaf's message.

"Firestar, Firestar!" Jayfeather cried. "Tigerstar's going to kill you while you're sleeping!" Firestar stared at Jayfeather, incredulous.

"How do you know this?"

"Hollyleaf told me. How else would I know?"

"Wait wait wait, hold on…Hollyleaf's _dead?_ Since when was _that_ canon?

"Firestar, she was crushed by hundreds of pounds of rocks and dirt. Of course she's dead. What, you think that she could actually _survive_ something like that?"

"Well…I thought that maybe she could be living underground or something…"

"What? A cat can't survive underground, Firestar!"

"Well, there must be bugs or something she can eat down there…"

"Remind me why you're leader again?"

"Because I'm _awesome! _And besides, I'm the main character! It was only to be expected that I would become leader, just so I could totally pwn all you n00bs!"

"I hate you so much Firestar. You know what? I hope Tigerstar _does_ kill you in your sleep." Jayfeather turned away and headed back to his den.

Meanwhile in the forest…

"What, your mentor didn't teach you how to cut down trees with your tail?" Lionblaze sneered as Bumbleass slammed his tail against a tree in vain. Tears were flowing freely out of Bumbleass's eyes as the bark cut into the skin of his tail. "That's right, cry little kittypet, cry!" Lionblaze yowled maniacally.

Suddenly, a ghostly black she-cat appeared from behind a tree. She stared at Lionblaze with red-rimmed eyes and the expression on her face was nothing short of insane.

"I'm a ghooooost, Lionblaaaaze!" Hollyleaf said in her best spooky voice.

"Oh no, not again!" Lionblaze wailed. "Even when she's dead, she won't shut up and leave me alone!"

"Lionblaaaze," Hollyleaf moaned spookily.

"_What?_ What do you _want_ from me, woman?"

"Can you do me a favor and **kill your family?**"

"Yes, yes, I'll do whatever you want, just _leave me alone!_"

"Oh, and one more thing. You know how I told you that there's no opium in the Dark Forest last week?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I made my own recipe! You just mix the tears of the innocent with the blood of a virgin and inject it into the pad of your foot! It's awesome! I've never been so high!"

"That explains so much, yet so little."

"You're still up for **killing your family**, right?"

"Yeah, sure. As long as you leave me alone afterwards."

"MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" With that, Hollyleaf faded away, leaving Lionblaze alone with Bumbleass, who had passed out from blood loss. Lionblaze shrugged and headed back to the ThunderClan camp to **kill his family**.

End of Part One


	2. The Plot Thinnens

Part Two: The Plot Thinnens

Bumbleass just couldn't take it anymore. It had been bad enough that Daisy hadn't given him a real name, but now Firestar had given him the worst name possible. Bumbleass sat in the forest, wallowing in his endless angst.

"That's it!" the pathetic excuse for a warrior cried to no one in particular. "I'm running away! And I'm definitely maybe probably sometimes coming back!" But before he could go anywhere, an incredibly pretty tabby she-cat stepped out of the undergrowth. Bumbleass immediately became super extremely happy when he saw the familiar face.

"Sol! You've risen from the grave and absolved me of my sins! Hooray!"

"Yes, that's right you dumb little shit. I am the cat equivalent of Jesus!" Sol declared, puffing out his chest proudly. "Now, I heard that you were thinking about running away. Is that true?"

"Were you listening to me talking to myself just now?"

"Ye—I mean no! I mean…yes."

"I love you Sol!" Bumbleass squealed like the annoying fantard he was.

"I hate you, you fat lump of uselessness," Sol replied lovingly. Together, they left the forest, heading in the direction of the RiverClan camp.

"Are we going on an adventure, Sol?" Bumbleass asked.

"No, I'm kidnapping you," he explained.

"Hey, that tree called me a leprechaun!"

"That's nice my stupid little friend, that's nice."

Meanwhile at the HerpDerpClan camp…

"For too long we have lived underground in the shadow of the other four Clans!" Appleapplestar addressed his Clan of sexually ambiguous cats. "I say we invade the world above and take all their bases!" The cats of HerpDerpClan yowled in agreement. "We _will_ take over ThunderClan and the other, less important Clans! Then, all their bases will belong to us!"

"All hail Appleapplestar!" they yowled. And so, the beginning of the end of the middle of the beginning began.

Meanwhile at the ThunderClan camp…

"So then I was all like, 'Jayfeather, you're psychicness is _nothin'_ compared to my psychicness!'" Dovepaw bragged to her sister. "And then he totally had smex with me! It was awesome!"

"Dovepaw, you can't have smex with Jayfeather. He's your cousin or something. And besides, this is a children's series," Ivypaw said with the patience of a saint.

"You're just jealous because you're still a virgin!" Dovepaw taunted. "As I was _saying,"_ Dovepaw rambled on, but Ivypaw wasn't listening. She had long ago developed the ability to completely tune out anything her sister said. It was a necessity: if she hadn't learned how to do it, her head would've exploded a long time ago.

"Psst, Ivypaw!" Ivypaw whirled around to see Lionblaze and Jayfeather crouching in the undergrowth. "C'mere!" Ivypaw looked at Dovepaw, who was rambling on about how smexy everyone thought she was. She wouldn't notice if Ivypaw slipped away. Ivypaw silently crept into the undergrowth and followed Jayfeather and Lionblaze back to the camp.

"What is it?" she asked. "What's wrong?"

"I'm afraid that the situation is way more serious that we first though," Jayfeather said thoughtfully.

"Yes, it would seem that we actually _are_ the last three sane cats in the entire Clan!" Lionblaze said direly. "It's only a matter of time before society collapses completely and we're forced to live like savage animals!"

"Uh, don't we already do that?" Ivypaw asked, confused.

"What makes you say that?"

"Well, for starters, you're biting the head off of a squirrel right now," she observed.

"Oh..yeah…my mouth sometimes does that," he said before continuing to decapitate his victim.

"Guys, this is serious!" Jayfeather wailed. "We have to get out of here before we're caught up in the collapse of society!"

"You're right, Jayfeather!" said Lionblaze, his muzzle coated in the blood of the small, furry woodland creature. "We need to run away as fast as we can!"

"But running away won't solve anything!" Ivypaw protested. Jayfeather and Lionblaze stared at her as if she were insane.

"What? Of course it will! We'll be safe, won't we?" Lionblaze growled. "And maybe we could go to the mountains and score with some hot chicks from the Tribe of Flushing Toilets! Or, at least, I could. I'm sure there are plenty of manly sharpclaws for you and Jayfeather."

"I'm not gay!" Jayfeather wailed.

"Riiiiiiight," said Ivypaw and Lionblaze at the same time.

"I'll have you know that I have a girlfriend!" said Jayfeather indignantly.

"Oh yeah?" Lionblaze purred. "What's her name?"

"Stick…" Jayfeather mumbled under his breath.

"Guys, we need to concentrate! What's another way we can prevent ThunderClan from collapsing?"

"Oh, I know!" Lionblaze meowed. "We could kill Firestar!"

"That's an awesome idea!" Ivypaw mewed. "I'll bet you anything that Firestar's the source of all this insanity!" The last three sane cats set off on their journey to rid their beloved Clan of Firestar and bring sanity to the land. And so, the middle of the beginning ended, and the end of the beginning of the end began.

Meanwhile, at the HerpDerpClan camp…

"What are your orders, my lord?" Appleapplefeather asked. "The warriors are prepared for battle and we have cleared the entrance to the tunnel. Soon, all of the surface dwellers' bases will belong to us!"

"Yes, Appleapplefeather, they will. And then HerpDerpClan will rule the entire forest-lake ecosystem! Muwhahahahahaha! Ahem," said Appleapplestar, clearing his throat. "My first order is to take over WindClan. They're obviously the weakest and stupidest Clan out of all of them. I mean, they're special thing is running fast. Like their warriors could ever compare to my army of Appleapples!"

"As you wish, my lord," said Appleapplefeather before returning to give the orders to Appleapplestar's army. _Soon,_ he thought, _soon the four Clans of the Forest will fall and HerpDerpClan will be able to live in the sun!_

Meanwhile, at the ThunderClan camp…

Lionblaze and Jayfeather stared intently at Firestar as the incredibly old leader washed his anus. The two brothers had decided that since Ivypaw was a girl and therefore had cooties, it would be best if she didn't come along with them on their quest to free ThunderClan from Firestar's evil oppression.

"So, you're saying that we should just run over there and decapitate him?" Jayfeather asked, unable to believe that Lionblaze could think up such a stupid plan.

"Yeah, it's completely fool-proof!"

"Yeah, but wouldn't somebody see us? And plus, Firestar has three lives left. We'd have to decapitate him three times, wouldn't we?"

"Hm…I see your point, but I don't really care," Lionblaze said before rushing over to Firestar.

"What the hell do you want?" Firestar muttered grumpily through a mouthful of bird flesh.

"I shall destroy you, Firestar!" Lionblaze yowled furiously. "And then your reign of terror shall end!" Lionblaze lunged at Firestar, using his superspecialawesome battle powers. Just as his teeth were about to close around Firestar's neck, he hit what seemed to be an invisible wall and he flew backwards. "What?" Lionblaze cried, distraught.

"Foolish fools!" Firestar threw back his head and laughed. "You thought you could destroy a main character? Think again!" Firestar's eyes began to glow red and his fur stood up on end, making him look about three times as fat as he was. "Mary Sue powers activate!" Firestar yowled, launching laser beams of awesomeness out of his eyes at Lionblaze. Lionblaze leaped out of the way just in time to avoid Firestar's attack.

"Great crap of StarClan!" Lionblaze exclaimed.

"Watch out, Lionblaze! He's firin' his lasers!" Jayfeather yowled. Lionblaze leaped out of the way as Firestar continued to fire his lasers.

"Retreat!" Lionblaze yowled in terror, defeated by the sheer awesomeness that is Firestar.

"That's right, fools! That's what you get for messing with the almighty power of me, the eternal Main Character!" Firestar began to laugh maniacally.

"Oh, so Main Character is capitalized now, is it?" Jayfeather meowed.

"Quite breaking the fourth wall and _run!_" Firestar snapped. Not wanting to be blown to smithereens, the two brothers fled into the forest, leaving Firestar to bask in his own awesomeness.

Meanwhile, at the HerpDerpClan camp…

"Appleapplestar! We have successfully capture WindClan!" Appleapplefeather reported.

"Yes," Appleapplestar purred. "Next, we shall take RiverClan. And then we shall head over to ShadowClan. Then, finally, we shall take ThunderClan. But we must be careful when attacking ThunderClan, because that's where all the Main Characters live, and everyone knows you can't kill Main Characters."

"I don't mean to be rude, my lord, but wouldn't it be better if we spent less time talking about what we want to do and more time, you know, actually doing what we want to do?" Appleapplefeather asked meekly.

"No," said Appleapplestar. "Now quit talking about what you want to do and actually, you know, do what you…I mean _I_ want to do. Start doing what _I_ want to do."

"Yes, Oh Great Appleapplestar," said Appleapplefeather before exiting the HerpDerpClan leader's mud hut.

_Soon,_ thought Appleapplefeather. _Soon I'll assassinate that old fool, then _I'll_ be leader of HerpDerpClan and ruler of the entire forest-lake ecosystem! Mweeheeheeheeheehee! Heeheeheehee!_

And so, the beginning of the end of the beginning started over again, leaving room for an alternate ending and director's cut. And the forest-lake ecosystem would never be the same again.


	3. Deus Ex Machina

Part Three: Deus Ex Machina

It was a dark day for the warrior Clans of the forest-lake ecosystem. After the mighty HerpDerpClan rose from the bowels of the Earth, they swept across the forest-lake ecosystem, slaughtering all who stood in their way. The Clans began to fall one by one until only ThunderClan—the Clan of Main Characters—was left.

The two mighty Clans clashed one rainy, depressing morning. The warriors on both sides fought valiantly, but it was soon apparent that not even the Main Characters—who were said to be the most powerful beings in existence—could stand against the sheer might that was HerpDerpClan. After a long, bloody battle in which all of the lesser Main Characters like Longtail and Brightheart died. Only the superspecialawesome characters like Firestar and Leafpool survived.

The few remaining ThunderClan cats stood huddled together as the HerpDerpClan warriors surrounded them. The huge cats slowly advanced towards them, their claws unsheathed and ready to kill. They licked the jaws, anticipating the moment when their teeth would close around the throats of their enemies.

"Firestar, we need a way out of this and fast!" Lionblaze hissed.

"Don't you have Mary Sue powers too?" said Firestar, panting.

"Don't you get it? Our Mary Sue powers are useless against these freaks!"

"We need a plan _now!_" cried Brambleclaw.

"I know what we should do!" said Ivypaw. "My sister's the biggest Mary Sue out of all of us! Maybe she could use her powers to defeat HerpDerpClan!"

"It's worth a shot," said Lionblaze. "Hey, Dovepaw!"

"Shyah?" she meowed nonchalantly.

"Will you use your Mary Sue powers to destroy HerpDerpClan before they rip out our throats and sodomize our dead bodies?"

"Only if you have smex with me later," she demanded.

"Ugh, that's disgusting! Are we like, cousins or something?"

"But I had smex with Jayfeather, and it was perfectly awesome!" Lionblaze looked at Jayfeather questioningly. Jayfeather shook his head and mouthed the word "no."

"I've had smex with all the Main Characters, even Leafpool! I mean, everyone says they hate me, so that must mean that they actually love me!"

"My God," said one of the HerpDerpClan warriors. "Her Mary Sue levels must be at least over nine thousand!" The HerpDerpClan warriors stared at Dovepaw in horror. Just the thought of what such a powerful Mary Sue could do had stopped the advancing warriors dead in their tracks. But Appleapplestar wasn't intimidated.

"Kill them!" he yowled. "Kill them all! Leave no survivors!" The warriors, more terrified of Appleapplestar than they were of Dovepaw, continued their advance. "Firestar, you fool! All your bases are belong to _us_, now! MUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Really?" Firestar said. "You're using _that_ joke?"

"Hey, breaking the fourth wall is against the rules!" Appleapplestar yowled. "And besides, I've been waiting to let that one out for two chapters now! And boy did it feel _goooood!_"

"Dovepaw!" Jayfeather yowled. "Use your Mary Sue powers, quickly! Lionblaze will have smex with you if you do!"

"Really?" Dovepaw asked, bouncing up and down excitedly.

"Hell no!" Lionblaze growled, glaring at Jayfeather.

"Dude, just go along with it or we're all dead!" Jayfeather hissed.

"Ugh, fine. I-I'll have smex with you if you kill the HerpDerpClan warriors, Dovepaw," said Lionblaze reluctantly. "Just do it already!"

"Yeeeeeeeeee!" Dovepaw squealed. "Mary Sue powers ACTIVATE!" Suddenly, Dovepaw was enveloped by a blinding white light. A high-pitched ringing noise radiated from the glowing apprentice. The skies, which had before been gloomy and overcast, turned blood-red as if it were late sunset instead of in the middle of the day. The clouds parted, showing the swirling red vortex that had once been the sky.

Then, the sky exploded and fire rained down from the heavens. Huge meteors fell from the sky, instantly obliterating the HerpDerpClan warriors.

"NOOOOOOOO!" Appleapplestar screamed as his body was vaporized by a meteor.

"HOLY SHITE!" the ThunderClan warriors screamed as they fled to the forest. Only Dovepaw remained, laughing maniacally as she destroyed everything around her.

"I am a GOD!" she yowled insanely. The chaos went on for several more hours before Dovepaw calmed down. The remaining ThunderClan warriors looked around at the destruction that Dovepaw had brought upon the forest-lake ecosystem.

"She's…" Jayfeather said, his voice barely above a whisper.

"The Ultimate Mary Sue," Ivypaw finished. "I wonder if _I _could do that. I mean, we are sisters, after all."

"No, Ivypaw," said Leafpool wisely. "StarClan told me that there could only ever be one Ultimate Mary Sue, and it would seem that they have chosen Dovepaw because you just suck like that."

"Thanks…wait, you mean StarClan told you about this?"

"Yes, many moons ago, Spottedleaf came to me and told me that really bad shit was going to happen," Leafpool explained mysteriously. Jayfeather *le gasped*.

"Leafpool, how could you keep something like that a secret?" he asked incredulously.

"It wasn't the first time Spottedleaf has told me that really bad shit was going to happen, but every other time she told me really bad shit was going to happen, nothing happened at all, so I just ignored her. But I see now that she was telling the truth this time."

"What could this possibly mean?" Firestar asked.

"I don't know, daddyums," said Leafpool. "We'll just have to wait and see."


	4. The Director's Cut

Part Four: The Director's Cut

And so life in the forest-lake ecosystem was returned to normal through the glorious and terrifying powers of Dovepaw, the Ultimate Mary Sue. Many cats died that day, but fortunately none of them were important. All that matters is that all of the Main Characters survived the battle with few wounds and no grief over the sacrifices of the less important characters.

And what happened to Bumbleass, you may ask? No one cares, but if you must know, he went to live with Sol and they had 23 ½ kits, all of whom were part kittypet, so they ended up living in their parents' basement and eating all of their food. No one is quite sure how this is possible, but many qualified scientists (me) have reached two possible conclusions: Sol is a she-cat or Bumbleass can reproduce a-sexually. Either one is entirely possible because I say so.

In case you were wondering, there is no way that I'm leaving Hollyleaf out of the next story, even if it's just for a cameo. Because she is the best character. Period.

And before you say anything, this chapter is not against the rules because I am not the author, I am the NARRATOR! Yes, that's right, I'm an omnipotent being who can see what you're wearing RIGHT NOW (clothes) and who KNOWS WHAT'S GOING ON INSIDE YOUR HEAD (small electrical signals are being transmitted between your neurons via synapses. Yeah, that's right, I took high school biology.). Farewell, dear reader, and I hope you enjoyed reading this product of summer boredness, and I hope to see you again sometime soon.

***Author's Note* I would just like to thank everyone who read and reviewed! I always have so much fun writing these and I just hope that everyone has just as much fun reading them. One thing I must mention, though, is that I definitely DO NOT hate Warriors. I was once a major fan of Warriors, though I have come to realize that it never was as good as I was making it out to be, and I stopped reading after The Fourth Apprentice, so I have no knowledge of the plot after that other than what I read off of Wikipedia (that counts as research!), so feel free to correct me if I get anything wrong. I know that the ending I wrote was kinda lame, but you can expect many follow-ups. Serioulsy, I could write a million of these! Okay, before this note gets longer than the actual chapter, goodbye everyone and thanks for reading!**


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